The Art of the Lie

Here's an excerpt from my new book Donnie's First Year now available on Amazon.ca:

     Donald Trump is known for a number of books including The Art of the Deal and Trump: The Art of the Comeback. I’m offering my services as a ghostwriter for his next volume: The Art of the Lie:

Believe in your own lies

     This is perhaps the most important rule in The Art of the Lie. After all, how are you going to get others to believe your fictions if you don’t believe them yourself? Even if you think what you’re saying might be a lie, convince yourself otherwise by telling yourself that even if it’s not true, it sure sounds true, feels true and should be true.

Never retract, never apologize

     No matter how many people accuse you of lying and no matter the weight of the evidence against you, don’t admit that you lied. First-time liars often make the rookie mistake of conceding that their statement was false and then apologizing. Even if you happen to get caught in a lie, never retract but, if you foolishly do, never, ever apologize.

Double down and repeat

     This seems counterintuitive but it’s a sure-fire winner. Even when your lie is a fantastic whopper (e.g. – huge Inauguration crowd), you’ll be surprised at how well it works when you expand on it (e.g. – biggest Inauguration crowd ever) and then repeat it over and over. Much to your surprise, folks will then either believe it or just give up in frustration.

The “Big Lie” is the best

      It was Adolph Hitler or Joseph Goebbels who created this one. Basically, you come up with a lie that plays to people’s prejudices and is so outrageous that they want to believe it. You don’t have to be a fan of neo-Nazis to recognize that some of those old-tyme Nazis knew what they were talking about.

Keep your opponents off balance

     Sometimes you’ll find yourself under attack from all sides and it looks like your lie will fail. That’s the time to start asserting the exact opposite and then stand by both contradictory statements. Your adversaries will be so confused they’ll probably just throw in the towel.

I’m rubber, you’re glue

     Attack the attacker. When your opponent tries to undermine your lie with a surfeit of facts, start making false accusations about them. A perfect example is to call the media “fake news.” Name-calling like that forces them to spend all their time denying it.

Threaten lawsuits

     Threaten lawsuits against those challenging your lies. Nobody likes to be sued and most people can’t afford a good lawyer. Usually there’s no need to actually pursue such suits. The mere threat of legal action will generally make most truth-obsessed folks back off.

Exaggeration = glorification

     You’re not just smart; you’re the smartest. You’re not just rich; you’re the richest. If you’re going to lie, there’s no reason to hold back. Just remember, lie big or go home.

Keep adding to your list of lies

     Don’t be a wimp. Just because you’ve lied every day for the last thousand days, don’t stop lying just because you feel you’ve overdone it. The more lies the merrier. Critics will eventually tire of trying to keep track of all your falsehoods and will often concede defeat.

Employ surrogates

     If you can afford to, hire a bunch of flunkies to repeat and spread your lies. The more times people hear your lies coming from the mouths of different people, the more likely they’re going to believe them. And don’t worry if your stand-in gives up and quits; there are always more toadies ready to carry the can for you.

Don’t fear the oath

     There may come a time when you have to testify about your lies under oath. So what? It’s just an oath. Keep lying unless it looks like there’s a chance you’ll be charged with perjury. At that point, don’t forget to “take the Fifth.” 

No Fat Chicks

    Although Donald Trump was publicly dismissive of a presidential run by Oprah Winfrey, the following leaked memo suggests he may be taking such a possibility far more seriously than he lets on:

MEMORANDUM

TO:        President Donald Trump

FROM:  Campaign 2020

     Further to your recent request, we have investigated the possibility of an Oprah Winfrey candidacy in 2020 and have developed a comprehensive strategy to defeat her should she win the Democratic nomination.

     First of all, she is clearly unqualified to be president. As you well know, the fact that she is a billionaire businesswoman, a successful TV personality and a marketing wizard when it comes to exploiting her own name count for nothing when it comes to running the nation.

     Being president requires actual experience doing presidential things and, by our count, you have a full year under your belt doing just that. Even discounting your TV viewing and golf outings, you still have at least several months of presidential experience and she has none, zip, nada. Advantage: Team Trump.

     Our research has revealed that Ms. Winfrey reads an enormous amount and could easily be attacked as a “book lover” and possibly an “intellectual.” Apparently she even had a book club on her TV show. Although you have “written” several books, you have never been accused of reading books. Score one for us.

     Although it’s a bit of a long shot, we think that you should consider your old “Obama strategy” when it comes to Oprah. In short, she does not qualify to be president because she wasn’t born in the United States. After all, she was born in Mississippi and our research shows that Mississippi wasn’t even part of the U. S. from 1861 to 1865. Under the newly created legal doctrine status illegitimus or illegitimate state, no Mississippian qualifies as a natural born citizen.

     Ms. Winfrey will undoubtedly tout her success as a television talk show host but clearly she cannot match your success with The Apprentice and The Celebrity Apprentice. Plus, unlike you, she has to answer for creating both Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz whereas you’re only responsible for Omarosa.

     If it should ever come to a debate between you and Oprah, you will win hands down, regardless of the respective size of your hands. She is a Chicago gal, Chicago being the second city. You, on the other hand, are from the great city of New York. Even if you couldn’t make it there, you did make it anywhere, namely Washington, D. C.

     Your name prominently appears on countless buildings including the iconic Trump Tower as well as a multitude of championship golf courses. We have yet to locate one building or country club named for Oprah.

     If we have to play dirty, you’ve got a huge edge on her. Contrast your sterling reputation with her lengthy record of scandal including James Frey’s book, the hamburger panic and palling around with Harvey Weinstein.

     Finally, don’t forget your political genius and, in particular, your uncanny knack for creating devastating nicknames. We’ll leave it to you, sir, to come up with another classic zinger but might we suggest one of the following: Black Rosie, Obama Pal, “O”Yeah?, No Fat Chicks and Oprah Winfrey? More like Oprah Losefrey!

    We look forward to the presidential race in 2020 and await your further instructions. Please confirm whether or not you wish us to continue our investigations into Mark Cuban, The Rock and Homer Simpson as your possible next opponent.

Happy First Presidential Birthday

Today's Ottawa Citizen features my piece on Trump's first inaugural anniversary:

"The biggest and best birthday bash"

My New Book: "Donnie's First Year"

What do you do when you've got a year's worth of satirical pieces about Donald Trump? In my case, you put them in a book called "Donnie's First Year." It's now available on Amazon.com as a paperback and for your Kindle. It's also available on Amazon.ca. Check out the "Look inside" feature to view the first few pieces:  "Donnie's First Year"

Seven Words

        Last December, in order not to annoy the White House, the budget staff at the Center for Disease Control and Prevention reportedly banned the use of the following seven words: “vulnerable”, “entitlement”, “diversity”, “transgender”, “fetus”, “science-based” and “evidence-based.” Not exactly George Carlin’s “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television” but troubling nonetheless. What hasn’t yet been revealed are the additional word excisions planned by other federal departments and agencies so as not to run afoul of the Trump administration. Thankfully, the usual unreliable sources have leaked them to us.

The Internal Revenue Service

     With Donald Trump’s “Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017” now the law, this agency will be facing a difficult task in tracking down tax cheats. That job will be even harder once the IRS is prohibited from using the following seven words: “rich”, “audit”, “billionaire”, “unfair”, “evasion”, “offshore” and “capital gain.”

The Environmental Protection Agency

     Already hampered by budget cuts and rescinded regulations, the EPA will now have to try to do its job without using the following seven words: “climate”, “warming”, “solar”, “wind”, “geothermal”, “polluters” and “pollution.”

The Justice Department

     Times are tough at the Justice Department as President Trump seeks to limit certain investigations. However, it looks like they might get even tougher once these seven words are cut from the department’s vocabulary: “Russia”, “collusion”, “Mueller”, “recuse”, “subpoenas”, “impeach” and “unconstitutional.”

The U. S. Department of Education

     It’s bad enough that this department has been saddled by the woefully unprepared Betsy DeVos as its secretary. Now it will have to try to do its job without the use of these seven words: “growth”, “proficiency”, “testing”, “public”, “grants”, “loans” and “funding.”     

The Census Bureau

     Things were already not looking good for the nation’s statisticians ever since President Trump appointed the supremely unqualified Thomas Brunell as their new deputy director. And they will likely get even worse once the following seven words are banned: “nonpartisan”, “elections”, “fair”, “voting-rights”, “gerrymandering”, “minorities” and “underrepresentation.”

The Department of the Interior

     It’s one thing to put up with Secretary Ryan Zinke’s special flag flown at Interior’s headquarters when he’s in town. It’s another to have to worry about your job as Zinke cuts the department’s workforce to the bone. And now those folks will also have their storehouse of words reduced by these seven: “parkland”, “environment”, “endangered”, “Superfund”, “hazardous”, “clean-up” and “wildlife.”

The Department of State

     Morale is reportedly at an all-time low in this department thanks in part to its current head, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. His attempted overhaul of the State Department has driven out veteran diplomats and left the place in tatters. The days ahead won’t be any easier after the guardians of Trumpspeak have put the kibosh on these seven words: “multicultural”, “diplomacy”, “multilateralism”, “negotiated”, “humanitarian”, “NATO” and “UN.”